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Back to Constellation

Always Starting Over

by Tom Kitt and
Brian Yorkey

Previous Song

“All that's ahead and all that's behind, it's all in the moment I make up my mind…” 


In November of 2019, I was cast in a production of If/Then. I fell in love with the story of this show. It asks, “What if?” What if one choice changed everything? What if I’d answered that phone call? What if I’d said yes to that person that day? Ever since I can remember, I’ve been plagued by an overwhelming sense of guilt, carrying with me a need to make the best choice–the right choice–every single day, every single decision, with the fear that one wrong move could ruin everything. But this show spoke to that fear, assuring me that whatever happens, things would work out. Or they wouldn’t. But either way, it would be okay. Wouldn’t it? 


On March 10, 2020, the night of our first dress rehearsal, we performed the show for what would be the last time. The whole world was thrust into chaos and uncertainty, and the question “What if?” became much more frightening. Everything seemed to change in an instant, and a future I had just begun to plan disappeared. It wasn’t difficult for me to self-isolate, and I dove even further into it, isolating myself not only physically but mentally and emotionally from even those closest to me. I sat alone in a basement bedroom and scrolled through my phone, altering my brain chemistry. For the first time in my life, my world stood still, and I started to ask questions I’d never allowed myself to ask before–questions about the universe and my place in it. I began deconstructing old ways of thinking and started building new ones. Several months later, I made a choice, and then another, and another, until finally we arrived in Virginia in June of 2021. 

These last three years have been the most challenging years of my life thus far. Working through this degree program for the last two has forced me to face every single one of my deepest insecurities, and I am not done growing yet. But I finally feel like I can hope again. I can look to the future and be excited for it, welcoming the unknown rather than dreading it. I don’t know exactly what the future holds, but I do know that whoever I am now is not the person I will be in five years. And how exciting that is, the hope of getting to see who I will become! Now is not all there is! And yet, all that has happened is happening now, and all that might happen is here somehow. All of the choices that made me me, all of the accidents yet to be, all that’s ahead, and all that’s behind, it’s all in the moment I make up my mind and open my heart and start… 

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